A dream that almost stopped my heart

I know I’ve been MIA for a while on writing on my blog but I just had the craziest dream which I thought I’d share with everyone.

I was in a car with a couple of people driving in the desert watching the sun set.  The scattered clouds created a blue and purple sky where the sun would hide in every few seconds.  When the sun reappeared from the clouds it would become super bright.

As the Sun was about to reach the horizon, it stopped glowing.  All I could see were a dark red outline of the sun with a couple red flares coming out from the middle.  Then the sun started moving back up above the horizon and started moving left.  Everyone in the car was like “omg wtf is going on?”

Then another person yells out, “omg look at the stars!”  When I look up at the stars, it was moving really fast.  The first thing I thought was we were shooting off of the Earth’s orbit when the sun died.  (Yes I know the Sun inflates in to a red giant, then shrinks back down to a dwarf but this is a dream.)

The only thing I could say was “oh man we’re dead, this is the end.”  I didn’t yell or scream.  I was completely calm but I was quite annoyed at the fact we’d die right now.  It’s as if your annoying little cousin didn’t stop messing with you.  That was the tone in my voice.

It slowly started getting harder to breathe, I was losing oxygen.  It felt like like I was trying to breathe with a pillow over my head.  Once it got to the point where I couldn’t breathe anymore and my chest felt like it was going to collapse on itself, I suddenly woke up.

It was sunny outside.  I didn’t have a pillow over my head but I was breathing rapidly and my chest did feel like it was collapsing on itself.  I wouldn’t consider it a nightmare because if I was to end my life with that kind of show, I wouldn’t mind.

Imagine the Earth leaving the orbit of the Sun and we started drifting out in to open space.  Our moon won’t be there in another 2k-5k years because it is slowly moving away from the Earth gravitational pull.  Imagine swinging a 20lb weight on a chain, the more you spin, the more pressure gets put on your hands to release it.  That is what the moon is going through.

So then imagine what Earth would be like with no moon?  No high or low tides but it won’t have a drastic effect like it did a long time ago when the moon was very close to earth.  It help the oceans mix up a bunch of single cell organisms by the huge waves from the amount of gravitational pull it had.

Now I’m tottally going off on a tangent.  But dreams like that make you think what would happen.

Top 10 most relieving things related to the body

First and foremost as most would think, I’m not putting sex on this list. And always make sure you get permission from your right hand to cheat with you left hand, we don’t want any hurt feelings now, do we? Who knows, if the mood is right it can turn in to a threesome.

Annnnyways. Back to the list, this isn’t is order, it’s just the top 10 that comes to my mind.

1. Popping your ear - This is the best feeling especially when you have a bad nasal congestion and your ear feels like it’s 1000ft underwater. The good old squeezing the nose and blowing out doesn’t do the trick on this bad boy. When it’s been a couple of days and you’ve thrown you cat many times from pure frustration, it pops! It’s as if you can hear the drug dealing going on 3 blocks away.

2. Unclogging the nose - Now this one is kinda tricky. When both the nose is clogged you just say fuck it and breathe out the mouth. It’s those pesky one holers. MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT I HATE ALL OF YOU! That’s how you feel. You know it. It’s the worst when it’s clogged in the hole u snort blow with. God dammit! If that’s not bad enough, when you try to breathe through the nose, it sounds like a tea kettle. Who the hell needs a nasal cavity? It’s as if the snot likes to play games with you too. When you lay down on your side, clogged side high, you can feel it pop. YES I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!!!….. SSSSSHHHIIITTT!!!! Now it’s clogged in the other hole. This is where you punt your cat across the street. Don’t worry they have 9 lives. Too bad this isn’t a top 9 list. This is one of those annoyances where you just have to go get some damn nasal spray and count your losses. Ahhhhh! I can smell my B.O. again.

3. Foot itch - Foot itch isn’t that bad when you’re at home with out shoes on. It’s fucking horrible when you’re in public, in the middle of a line. You can’t take your shoes off in public, especially when your foot odor is the main ingredient in many biological weapons. What do you do when you have an itch on the bottom of you foot? You start doing the twist, or as made famous in Hairspray, the Roach. This is where you get the foot in question and start turning it like you’re putting out a cigarette. Then if that doesn’t work, the good old stomping on the ground like you’re a pissed off 5 year old will do the trick. Then there’s the itch on the top of your foot. This one is tough cause it can cause damage to your foot if not done correctly. You get the non itching foot and start chopping the top of the itching foot like an ice pick. You have to use the heel and just work it like you got turretes. Ah that’s better, I’d rather have a bruise than an annoying itch.

4. Wedgie - Nothing is more annoying to have happen in public than the wedgie. Do you say fuck it and just pull it like your snatching an old lady’s purse? Or do you just bear it while you’re living your fantasy of wearing a thong? Neither. You do the “Lunge”. This process entails the wedgee (haha am I the only one that gets that?) take a longer step than average to try and loosen the choke hold it’s got between your butt cheeks. Don’t think you’re fooling ANYONE when you do it though, you honestly think no one realizes when you’re walking normally then you just start breaking out in to an exercise routine? If the lunge wasn’t enough, you can always rely on the Michael Jackson. Remember his famous dance routine where he lifts one knee in to the air then shakes it left and right very fast? Ya that takes care of wedgies well. I found out that it didn’t start out as a dance, it was his tight leather pants that kept his underwear going where only 10 year olds have gone. Ya I said it. Fuck you.

5. Sore Throat - Stop deep throating and you won’t get bruised back there, it’s that simple. Oh wait, the sore throat where it hurts to swallow. She lies, it never hurts to swallow, it coats your throat like honey.

6. The #1 and #2 - This isn’t a big deal if there’s a restroom nearby. This is the best feeling in the world when you’ve been holding that shit in (no pun intended) for what seems like an eternity. On a date and have to drop a massive duece? Hold that shit in. 2nd in line in a first come first serve concert? Hold that shit in. Ready to drop a Hiroshima but another guy comes in to the restroom? Hold that shit in. (Well I got toilet shyness, I don’t know how some people can just let out what sounds like a reenactment of the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan, with people in the same restroom.) Clear the shingles! Fire in the hole! Need to take a piss while being late to a baseball game, with a cute girl next to you, stuck in massive traffic, needing to drive 40 miles, arriving to the stadium to realize the person with the tickets haven’t arrived yet, then having to stand outside the gate with the restroom 10 feet from you, luring you with all it’s toilet goodness, the refreshing sounds of the waterfall urinals, the smell of fresh urinal cakes, like the love of your dreams has been seperated from you by a fascist government who had place a damn wall between you? 3 1/2 hours later, the the greatest moment comes. Mr. Gorbachev open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! I grab my ticket and run towards the love of my life, we spend a passionate 3 minutes together, just me and the urinal. We laughed and we cried. It’s pregnant and claims I’m the baby’s daddy. What a whore. (This whole story is 100% true too. It was a boy. Named him Kohler)

7. Sneezing – Anyone who holds in their sneezes worships satan’s pubic hair, it’s scientifically proven. You know why people say bless you when you sneeze? It’s so they know that you’re not one of those pubic hair worshipers. I like to sneeze loud and proud, only cause I’m compensating for my small penis. Just kidding, I swear it’s not small, it’s just shy around people it doesn’t know. You know what’s fucked up? When someone sneezes and people say “bless you” to them but when you sneeze they’re completely silent. Mother fucker, I don’t believe in Pubicism, so say “bless you” and I’ll pretend to be thankful. Next time I won’t cover my mouth and sneeze on your face, bitch. Then I’ll pretend to be “sorry”.

8. Yawning - Who doesn’t love a good yawn? Wanna know if someone’s checking you out? Start yawning, it’s contagious. Anyone that’s even remotely thinking about you will yawn after you do. So go for it, ask out that big hunk in the muscle tees. He likes to cuddle. I love to yawn so much that whenever I yawn, I yawn a tune. I don’t know why, it’s a little quirk I have. Just like how you love to people watch at a park. With no pants on.

9. Cracking your bones - I’m not talking about when a girl is so eager she sits a little too fast not to realize it’s not completely in and cracks your “bone”. No not that. I’m talking about your back, your knuckles, your wrist, your neck, etc. I’ve always wanted to learn to crack my neck but I saw a news story about a guy who cracked his neck and severed his juggular. Something to think about you neck crackers! Ya I’m racist! What are you gonna do about it? I remember as a child my dad could crack all his knuckles just by squeezing his fist. It was so fascinating to me. I always thought it was my neck that was cracking but it was just his knuckles that were firmly wrapped around my neck that were cracking.

10. I’m gonna save my cat since I love him.

The horrible ironing

So this is my first post. What should everyone, and by everyone I mean the 1 viewer a month, expect from an average joe with an above average writing skill? I am above average because I accidentally enrolled in a honors English course at a community college a couple years ago. Ya that’s right, I’m an honor student! Stick that shit on the back of your bumper mom. “Proud parent of a child who can do 2 + 2 with out having his finger up his nose.” What was the most difficult thing I read in the honors class you ask? Great question. It was trying to read what my English professor and the slutty Japanese girl had going on in their minds. I shit you not he actually used the, “I need to see you after class” line. The whole cock tease mini skirts in the front row, slowly crossing and uncrossing her legs, the massive Viagra induced boner the professor was hiding behind the podium, it was the most interesting non-fiction story I’ve tried to decipher. The whole bending over the professor showing thong to “grab a pencil from the backpack,” what the hell was I thinking wearing a thong that day. No wonder I got an A+ with a wink face on my paper the next week. I digress.

I actually came here to post a semicircular funny story that I saw today. It’s only semicircular because I might disappoint my 1 viewer to the point of using his penis as piranha bait if I claimed it to be a full 360 degrees, and it wasn’t.

Ok, ok, don’t be so damn needy, I’ll tell you the story. I’m adding footnotes because like I said, I’m a fucking honor student. So I’m just gonna add a # after the sentence. For example, “Elephants are the biggest mammals in Africa”(1). I don’t believe I had to instruct you on how to read footnotes you dense meatball.

So earlier today I was smart to park my car in to a pay lot. Without cash. While I waited for my buddy to finish shipping his 50lbs of coke via USPS, I asked one of the postal workers if they validated parking.(2) She said no. Cunt. Anyways, we try going to 24hr fitness next door to validate there. Princess Fiona (post Shrek 1) the receptionist says only my friend can validate because he has a membership there.(3) So I go to the cashier to hopefully use my card and they say no. So many “no”s from so many women! High school all over again.

Rony, fine I’ll use his name go stalk him on myspace, calls me and tells me he has no cash and the valet guy is making him pay $1.60. We were fucked. Seriously the valet guy ravaged us. Then we spooned. We run back down to the post office and pleaded the worker we needed to borrow $2. As the woman began scratching her head with her pistol deciding on our fate, I figured to run my ass back up to the parking lot cashier and beg them to stop charging me by the minute while I was getting some money.

2 minutes later Rony was $2 richer and I did not have to file chapter 10. As Rony made his trek to the nearest BOA.(4) I sat out in front of a Parking Violations Dispute centre <- that’s the most British I can do. I watched 2 cars get parking tickets on the anti-gridlock zone. I didn’t think much of it until a tow truck came up 15 minutes later. “Oh that guy is fuuuuucked.”

A guy comes walking out of the Dispute centre with a grin of accomplishment. Obviously he just fought his parking ticket an won. Then the face of all faces. The complete satisfaction to utter disbelief in half a second. His car was in the process of being towed. Oh the ironing! The man wins a $50 ticket but gets fined $400~ plus impound. Uncle Sam likes to play craps.(5)

So that was my first redunkulously long blog on this site. Maybe I’ll post more depending on what my mom thinks of it.

(1) The biggest mammal in the US is the near extinct John Goodman.

(2) To tell the different parcel service workers apart, USPS workers always carry a 9mm pistol and a bottle of Zanex.

(3) 24 hr fitness are known to be a great equal opportunity employer

(4) Bank of America, not to be confused with the leather bar in West Hollywood.

(5) Also the pioneer of strip poker.